Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Have Issues


I had an uncomfortable moment of self-awareness today. I realized that I actually enjoy the thrill of waiting until twenty minutes before the public library closes, then racing to see if I can get there, return my items, and check out a book and a movie before the final gong sounds (no, seriously - there are gongs). I know this sounds ridiculous, but I swear there is an art to this.

First, you have to make sure that you become friendly with the security personnel. Otherwise, you will be turned away at the door because five minutes is not enough time to find new material and check out. So you build the relationship slowly. Say hello and goodbye to the officer every time you are in the library, until they begin to say it to you first (like they recognize you). This could take several months.

Once they "recognize" you, you're safe to go for your first five-minute-sprint. Be forewarned: they will look at you with great disappointment and remind you that there are ONLY FIVE MINUTES LEFT. But they will let you in, because hey, you're a friend now, so to turn you away would be rude. Now here's the important part: you absolutely must make it back out the library door before the final gong sounds. This inspires trust. Don't forget to say goodbye: this ensures that the aforementioned officer takes note of the fact that you exited the building prior to the gong. This step must be repeated at least three times for the trust to be solidified. Warning: Do not take small children with you during this crucial stage, as they can cause unexpected delays.

Once trust has been established, you may actually receive a cheerful smile and enthusiastic "hello!" as you enter, even though you're sprinting through the door while the five minute warning sounds.

Always be sure to have a clear goal in mind. Have two or three movie titles picked out before hand, preferably alphabetically close to one another. Also, be willing to ditch the book if the title doesn't jump out at you while skimming the appropriate shelf. Of course, ditching the book means only partial success in your five-minute-sprint, but it will count if you grab any book off that shelf and actually read it.

I get a serious thrill out of making it in and out in under five.

I have issues.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's official.....you're CRAZY!!! oh my gosh!! But funny, very funny!! love you!! can't wait to see you guys!

kate

Judy said...

You need help... professional help! :)

Anonymous said...

That is so funny!

Courtney said...

Ask Bagel if she recognizes the library in the picture, cause she's been there!

Elizabeth said...

i don't really understand your obsession. why must you wait until 5 minutes before it closes?