Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Deep Breaths and a Smile

Really, how could I not smile with this little guy around?

Today marks the beginning of Week 2 of my foray into stay-at-home-mama-dom. So far, it's been...interesting. I told myself at the beginning that I would have no expectations for myself, that I would be okay with loving it or hating it or being indifferent to it. Essentially, this is one Grand Experiment, and I'll hopefully come out the other end (whenever that is) with a better sense of self, of my own strengths and weaknesses, and, in a perfect world, a better bond with Dinkeneh.

So, what have I learned so far?
  • I have to get ready with Chris, just like I did during school. If Chris leaves the house and I'm still in my pj's, I feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of getting through the rest of the day.
  • I have to have a goal or objective for the day, one that is not D-related. Otherwise, I get to the end of the day and think, "What on earth have I accomplished?" Doesn't matter that I might have done a million worthwhile things with D that day; my psyche still needs to know that I did some non-kidlette activity.
  • I need naps just as much as Dinkeneh.
I'm not sure that I've learned all that much about myself in the six short days I've been at this, but I'm sure that'll come with time.

For those who are wondering, I turned down my Seattle job offer and have delayed taking the Indiana Bar until February. I told myself that I would give the kiddos at least three months of my undivided attention, maybe more if things go well. We'll see...

On an unrelated note, this past weekend gave me some time to gain a little perspective on the situation with Sprout. I'm feeling much better, although I still have my moments. Although Holt's communications definitely leave something to be desired, they've done a lot of great things, like giving us as many updates (including pictures) as possible, and our experience with the Waiting Child Program was wonderful. I'd like to think I'm an inherently fair person, so I thought I should give a better picture of our experience with the agency than just my anger over the things I think are done poorly. And let's face it, a great deal of that anger was really frustration and sadness over failing to get through court the first time.

We still don't have a second court date scheduled, but I'm hopeful we'll know by the end of next week at the latest? I'm getting extremely nervous as court closure looms ever closer. A lot of people have suggested I keep myself busy with preparing for Sprout's arrival, but to be honest, that's been incredibly difficult to do. Even though I'm in a better place emotionally than I was five days ago, I still can't bring myself to think about packing, or to look at all of the clothes hanging in her closet that now won't fit her when she gets home. It's just too much, and I feel a little bit like I'll jinx something by doing anything at this point. That's not a very fun place to be, and very different from my experience getting ready for Dinkeneh. So...

Welcome to my world. Have a smile (or two) on me.


Julie said...

Love you - hang in there:)

Emily said...

Oh Christina,

I feel your pain.
She will be home before you know it though. Try to enjoy this time alone with Dinkeneh.
Just think of us....we are looking at waiting kids right now with NO hope that we'll even get a court date before the closure. Ughh!


P. said...

Thanks for sharing your trial and tribulations! Hang in there and have some fun!

Julie said...

That smile would brighten anyone's day. Hang in there!

Jess said...

I feel ya!

and I need to get up and showered when Jud leaves for work too! unless we have a jammie day, which happens often:)

Hope you hear something soon!

*Jess* said...

I hope you enjoy your time at home, no matter how long that may be :)

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh!!! i love those smiles!!! i miss you guys lots and can't wait for some good news!!!