Today marks the beginning of Week 2 of my foray into stay-at-home-mama-dom. So far, it's been...interesting. I told myself at the beginning that I would have no expectations for myself, that I would be okay with loving it or hating it or being indifferent to it. Essentially, this is one Grand Experiment, and I'll hopefully come out the other end (whenever that is) with a better sense of self, of my own strengths and weaknesses, and, in a perfect world, a better bond with Dinkeneh.
So, what have I learned so far?
- I have to get ready with Chris, just like I did during school. If Chris leaves the house and I'm still in my pj's, I feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of getting through the rest of the day.
- I have to have a goal or objective for the day, one that is not D-related. Otherwise, I get to the end of the day and think, "What on earth have I accomplished?" Doesn't matter that I might have done a million worthwhile things with D that day; my psyche still needs to know that I did some non-kidlette activity.
- I need naps just as much as Dinkeneh.
For those who are wondering, I turned down my Seattle job offer and have delayed taking the Indiana Bar until February. I told myself that I would give the kiddos at least three months of my undivided attention, maybe more if things go well. We'll see...
On an unrelated note, this past weekend gave me some time to gain a little perspective on the situation with Sprout. I'm feeling much better, although I still have my moments. Although Holt's communications definitely leave something to be desired, they've done a lot of great things, like giving us as many updates (including pictures) as possible, and our experience with the Waiting Child Program was wonderful. I'd like to think I'm an inherently fair person, so I thought I should give a better picture of our experience with the agency than just my anger over the things I think are done poorly. And let's face it, a great deal of that anger was really frustration and sadness over failing to get through court the first time.
We still don't have a second court date scheduled, but I'm hopeful we'll know by the end of next week at the latest? I'm getting extremely nervous as court closure looms ever closer. A lot of people have suggested I keep myself busy with preparing for Sprout's arrival, but to be honest, that's been incredibly difficult to do. Even though I'm in a better place emotionally than I was five days ago, I still can't bring myself to think about packing, or to look at all of the clothes hanging in her closet that now won't fit her when she gets home. It's just too much, and I feel a little bit like I'll jinx something by doing anything at this point. That's not a very fun place to be, and very different from my experience getting ready for Dinkeneh. So...
Welcome to my world. Have a smile (or two) on me.