Tuesday, September 13, 2011

No Grace

There is no news.

I watched this woman weather nine months of waiting with grace, and I marvel at how she did it.  We are at seven months and counting, with no end in sight.

No end.

No grace.

No idea how to obtain some.

How do you achieve something like a graceful state of being, when you're so filled with rage and helplessness that you visualize yourself engaging in a primal scream?

I put away clothes today.  Our daughter's clothes.  The one who isn't safely snuggled in her crib, resting next to her big sister, but is instead plateauing in growth in an institution thousands of miles away.  I just grabbed them by the handfuls and shoved them as fast and as deep as I could in the nearest bag.

I couldn't do his.  One was enough.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe.


And you're so tired you don't sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end

And it's strange how you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking 'bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands





14 comments:

Elizabeth Rose said...

So awful. I'm praying so much for you and especially the two kidlettes still in Ethiopia. Keep praying, keep being persistent, and something has to give. Love you all. Be patient with yourself and remember, this too shall pass. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. Don't forget I'm only a few hours away.

Deirdre said...

Oh Christina, I'm so sorry. I just can't imagine. Sending all sorts of love, for what it's worth.

Cindy said...

(((hugs))) Christina and Chris. We are thinking of you all.

M and M said...

Oh dear. I'm so sorry.

hotflawedmama said...

I'm so, so sorry.

hibagel said...

I read this tangentially-related blog post and thought of you: http://uppercasewoman.com/2011/09/12/the-original-vagina-posse/.

Sometimes it's okay to not have grace! Sometimes you can be upset and sad and angry and scared and express it all and that makes you a good mama and a good person too!!!!!

Hugs! Your grace-less friend, Bagel :)

Chatter said...

Sending hugs from afar. I'm so sorry Christina. I can't imagine how much your heart must be hurting right now. Thinking of you lots!

konjochild said...

So very sorry. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this must be. May your family be in each other’s arms soon.

Stefani said...

I am so sorry Christina! Thinking of you and your family.

AnnMarie & Nick said...

Oh I'm so sorry, sorry for your hurting family both near and far. Sending you all prayers, hugs and peace.

Tressa said...

I'm so sorry. The Van Voorsts are sending praying for good news for your family.

Kathrin said...

I am hoping for great news. Can't imagine how you must feel. Lots of strenght come your way from Germany.

Anonymous said...

Faith....what a BIG word! I know your arms yearn to hold them, but know that God's arms are wrapped around them both! Now, go hug D and Sisaye... Love to all of you!! Grandma

Mama Papaya said...

My heart hurts for you. For them. And willing your together as best I can. I am so sorry.